Nov

10

A Gentle Migraine’s Wake of Fear

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migraineA strange thing happened to me.  I had all the signs of a migraine, dizziness and a ringing in my ears. I ran to my purse swallowed down three Aleve and prepared for the pain.  I closed the drapes, got in my jammies and went pee because when I have to pee during a migraine it is horrible to have ot get the the bathroom and back.  Then I laid down and waited for the wave of misery I knew was coming.

 

It didn’t come, but it took me a full hour of lying there before I believed it.  I came out of my blacked out room to find my husband looking almost like a deer in the headlights. “What are you doing?” he asked.  I didn’t know what to say.  After eleven years of marriage I have never once been wrong about a migraine and whenever I have said I am getting a migraine it is a generally accepted rule in my home that I will hide out in my room and not emerge for at least four of five hours.

 

I wish that I could draw some sort of comfort from this fluke false migraine.  There is no doubt that I had the signs of a real migraine and my head did feel sensitive later which it always does when the original pain subsides.  I should be grateful I know.  But I don’t like it when my body changes the patterns I trust to be consistent for me.  While this migraine blew over gently, I am left wondering if it could swing the other way. Maybe the next one will do th opposite andfail to respond to the pain killers, or leave my blind and in agony for days?

 

I hate to be a pessimist, but fear and migraines are best buddies. I would rather things stay the way they are then to risk the teeter totter of the unknown.

Oct

14

No Flash Photography Please

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Do you ever wish you could wear a sign on your head that reads “No bright lights please”?  I do.  Cameras and flash lights, headlights and fluorescent store signs are a constant pulse of pain for someone with light sensitivity.  For a long time I pretended that camera flashes and sitting under fluorescent bulbs was no big deal, while inside my head was pounding and my eyes were aching.

 

Now I do not hesitate to tell people politely, please turn off the flash on your camera or I am sorry I cannot sit here.  When my eyes are really bad I wear sunglasses, even inside and yes even at night.  This has resulted in some strange looks from others as well as a great shortage of pictures of me.  I often hear people scanning over photo albums say, weren’t you at this wedding?  Or did you go to the Museum WITH your kids or what?  It is  a small price to pay for a reduction of pain and stress caused by blaring and flashing lights attacking me.

 

It may seem annoying to go ahead and begin requesting that people stop using their flash or ask that a certain light be shut off, but with so little available to stop or control migraines and headache pain why hesitate to make the little changes that cna give you some relief?

Sep

29

Fortune Cookie Say…..

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Like so much information that is available about migraines news comes in a sort of hazy and hardly lucid format.  Doctors notice some things that in their small world are little more than interesting.  For example they “note” that women suffer with migraines more than men and that women are prone to them during hormonal cycles.  Men who suffer with chronic migraines typically link it to lack of water or over exertion.  I asked a Doctor recently what he thought could account for the difference.  He calmy said “Well, women have morehormonal changes then men.”  Incredibly insightful I thought (sarcasm here).  Then it occured to me that perhaps it is Doctors that are writing the fortunes slipped into our cookies at the local Chinese restaurants.  Their wisdom and knowledge while occasionally may hit the mark are more often as flimsy as a slip of paper in a flavorless cookie.

If I wrote a fortune cookie it would say “People who really care, never get paid to care.”  Don’t trust someone who bought their mansion thanks to your suffering. Your pain is making their mortgage payments.

Sep

21

The Migraine that Never Was

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When faced with chronic pain it is easy to fall prey to depression and a sense of enormous loss.  The feeling of being powerless can be as debilitating as the pain itself.  Migraines are painful no doubt, but it is often this overwhelming feeling of being powerless that hurts worse then the actual headaches.  The threat of migraines can soak up weeks of your life even when you have not actually had a migraine.  I recently spent three weeks in a constant state of anxiety and watchfulness awaiting the terrible migraine I expected to come.  It did not come. 

 

It occurred to me after two weeks had passed that I had not gone out of the house alone with the kids or felt a moment of peace in that whole period.  I had been living like I was very ill, yet had been actually feeling pretty good.  What a waste!  I was furious with myself and then began believing that since it had been two weeks of no migraines I should not get hopeful that the pain free spell would continue and then proceeded to spend one more week waiting for the migraine that wold not be. 

 

Finally I stopped this destructive cycle of thinking and ‘got a grip’.  I stopped looking for signs of a migraines imminent on-slot and began looking for ways to make everyday of feeling good, great.  There is a lesson, I think, in this for everyone.  That we should be in anticipation of bad leaves us never seeing the good.  Even when things are terrible there are still opportunities to laugh and smile so why not enjoy all the more every moment that you feel good. 

 

My new effort in life is not embrace just a good day, but every good moment.  Come what may, meet my every moment with positivity and possibility.  It is a carpe diem way of life, and I need very much to find a new slant of light to live in.

May

19

Migraine Support for Moms - You are Wonderful!

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It is a good day to be thirty years old and the mother of two wild things.  I have reached a place in my life where I know who I am, what I am capable of and have gathered just enough wisdom to start making better life choices.  It is a gift to posses this things and a gift that I wish I could share with my sisters of motherhood.  Migraine pain, the fear of migraines and the leftovers from a migraine can give us one of two things.  1) Despondency and a failing in our determination to do what we want or 2) A feeling of great power to conquer and defeat that which threatens to breakdown out life goals.  I choose #2.  I am not defeated. 

 I have said for sometime that the gift that pain gives us is compassion.  I am thankful for the compassion I have.  I am grateful to have faced unbearable misery so that I can stand tall now knowing my own strength.  I am amazed at myself for crushing the fear that threatens me every day.  With out the suffering I would not be all that I am.  I so wish I could share even a piece of the power I feel in my self knowledge with all of you.  But, you have the ability to find your own worth, and your journey is your own.  It’s gifts are there for you to discover and enjoy.   I believe in potential and am certain that we are all born with equal potential for great things.  If you feel hopeless or lost, believe in yourself.  Start small, wake up and tell yourself ’I am wonderful, no, I am marvelous!’  I would add, because you are, but you do not need my validation.  Believe in yourself and great things begin to happen.   I hope you live life to the fullest, and to overflowing.

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